


the bible didn't mention us (not even once)

by geekchic64



Category: Twilight Series - All Media Types
Genre: Dance Off, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Other, it's been in my drafts for so long and i think it's cursing my laptop so i gotta purge it, listen yall i wrote this at the beginning of ms rona as a writing exercise, mentions of vague times between world wars, references to The Proud Family Movie, there is not a serious sentence written in this thing, this is my brains call for help
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-30
Updated: 2020-07-30
Packaged: 2021-03-06 08:00:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25599958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/geekchic64/pseuds/geekchic64
Summary: “Please, don’t ask any questions. Just do this, for me, and say yes,” Bella pleaded, unable to make eye contact, teeth digging into her lip so hard it would have drawn blood. If she still had any. Which she didn’t because she was a vampire.ori wrote this and it was a mistake tbh
Relationships: Carlisle Cullen/Bella Swan
Comments: 5
Kudos: 9





	the bible didn't mention us (not even once)

**Author's Note:**

> This was my attempt at breaking through my writer's block. I sat down and typed for thirty minutes without stopping and this was the result.
> 
> Sorry.

The year was 3,000 A.D.. Or perhaps it was still March of 2020, the month that went down in history as the longest year of the world. Maybe, instead, time ceased to exist and the inhabitants of the universe simply refused to take off their headphones to hear the screeching halt of the planetary orbits and new beginnings.

Either way. It was at some point in some location in the cosmos -- an infinitesimal blimp in the overall timeline of life -- where a certain new beginning had just, well, begun. As beginnings do.

It is this story.

More specifically, _their_ story.

Bella Swan-Cullen-Montoya-Rubix Cube-Rolegio III. A woman of many names; some real, some fake. Vampire. Former clutz. Possesses a laugh that was once described by a Mormon woman as sounding like wind chimes -- a noise that Reddit user taoofmojo insists means that a hippy successfully “trick[ed] you into thinking that he like capitalism but secretly he is into Communist by selling something that doesn't add value to your life.” Useless, just like this sentence.

Doctor Carlisle Cullen. Vampire. Medical Doctor. Potential medical fraud. No one really knows where he obtained his license. Perhaps he just uses his vampire superspeed to use a certain search engine that can’t be named due to copyright infringement to look up symptoms and how to treat them. We may never know.

But he has nice hair, and his mortality rate is a solid 83%, so really, who can complain. Definitely not Doctor Carlisle, who often forgets if mortality rate is the good one or the bad one, and what a higher vs low number means. 

But at the time of now on the day of today, Bella and Carlisle, whose stories they believed to be long over, found themselves at the precipice of yet another heartracing tale.

“Please, don’t ask any questions. Just do this, for me, and say yes,” Bella pleaded, unable to make eye contact, teeth digging into her lip so hard it would have drawn blood. If she still had any. Which she didn’t because she was a vampire.

“Bella,” Carlisle murmured. And even with Bella’s vampire super-hearing she could barely hear him. The man, though (allegedly) accomplished, always failed to project his voice. Like a mouse attending an Evanescence concert in 2003, any noise was lost in the cacophony of his own questionable medical training.

“Just,” a sigh and Bella’s eyes frantically searched the room. “I need you. To do this.”

Carlisle offered his own sigh, though it was more paternal. Hearing it Bella immediately felt guilt, remembering how she left the lights on in the rooms she was no longer in, and the dirty dishes in the sink.

“Okay.”

A single word, but it was enough.

Bella nodded her head a few times and then began the walk into her new future… which oddly took the form of a collapsible table that still smelled of the beer pong tournament it housed last week and a clipboard with a chewed-on pencil. 

Bella channeled her inner Anna Kendrick and spoke to the old woman behind the counter, looking barely alive, whose eyes were enlarged from her coke bottle glasses, and whose hands shook from years of working at the bingo halls and slapping her grandchildren. 

“My fiancé and I would like to sign up for the couple’s dance competition for a chance to meet beloved American actor, Steve Buscemi. Our team name is Funks and Monks, the Hoodratrompers. Yes, we will bring the heat that cannot be beat. Yes, we have watched the dance-off scene from The Proud Family Movie, so bring your best peanuts and we’ll make butter out of them. No, we are not in the wrong location.”

The old woman wheezed like an empty can of whipped cream as her eyes dragged up and down the pale drinks of water in front of her. A tickle in her throat prompted her to begin hacking up a small ball of phlegm into her handkerchief she had stolen from a German soldier back in ‘36. His name was Paul and he was an ugly sonofabitch, but he sure knew how to please a woman. And when that woman was sent in as part of a spy operation from the British with a mission to get close to her target in order to take them out? Well. No one said it was a tough job.

She missed Paul, but only when the winters were particularly long and cold and harsh.

Thank god she lived in sunny Florida.

But she hacked up her ball of phlegm and analyzed Bella and Carlisle, two strangers in front of her. And Bella, in turn, maintained only a flickering semblance of eye contact. Carlisle was discretely completing a crossword puzzle on his phone from his pants pocket. Or maybe he was looking up the names of terminally ill children he could make vampires of until he finally could have his own little league baseball team. 

But it was probably the crossword puzzle.

Moments passed. And then some more. And yet one more moment. Carlisle, finally realizing the multiple moments for what they were, and having solved his puzzle, looked up at Bella and the old woman. Still staring. Beady, piercing eyes continuing to analyze.

Fearing the old woman might be having a stroke, he closed out his crossword puzzle app and quickly pulled up a nondescript search engine that cannot be named due to copyright infringement. He began typing. 

_‘Symptoms of stroke’_

_‘How to treat stroke’_

_‘Why am i so bad at crossword puzzles’_

_‘Terminally ill kids near me’_

His Very Serious And Very Important searches were interrupted by Bella clearing her throat. She began hissing at him at a volume only fellow vampires could hear.

“She’s onto us not being a real couple. Convince her.” 

“Oh. Uh. Right, yeah.” Carlisle cleared his own throat and spoke at a more human volume. And then louder when he looked back and was reminded at how ancient this woman was. She probably was friends with his own mother. Or maybe was on the waitstaff at the last supper.

“Yes, we are in fact fiancés. To one another. Together. In real life. Our love for each other is as authentic as my medical degree. Yes.”

Carlisle awkwardly placed his hand on Bella’s head, paternally. Realizing his error, he dragged his hand down her face in an attempt to be romantic, but only succeeded in making Bella eat her own hair and mess up her eyebrows. A quick and light punch to her chin, “sport,” he said like he was Jay Gatsby.

He tousled his hair.

“I don’t care, put your names here.”

The old woman pushed the clipboard to the two unknown-to-her vampires, and thought curiously to herself if anyone would ever find where she hid Jimmy Hoffa. 

Probably not.

**Author's Note:**

> don't look at me i don't knOW


End file.
